A couple weeks ago, Cameron and I went to see the movie La La Land. I know there are those who would probably disagree with me, but I thought it was a masterpiece. We left the theatre with mixed joy and sadness and it sparked a conversation about our “what ifs” in life. What if we’d chosen to go to different colleges, what if we hadn’t been standing beside each other in line the night we met, and on and on.
Sometimes, it’s fun to think about what our lives could look like if the tiniest thing had been different. Sometimes, it’s damaging. The worst are the what ifs that fill us with regret and longing to go back and choose differently; be kinder; do better.
I have a lot of the second type of what ifs. I keep a filing cabinet of them in the back of my mind and open it when I’m feeling frustrated with how my life is going. This happens more often than I like, and I’m sick of it. I’ve said many times that I wouldn’t change anything in my past because it’s made me who I am today, but that’s only a partial truth. I have a tendency to let nostalgia and regret rule my emotions that has nearly ruined my enjoyment of the wonderful life I have.
I believe wondering, “what if things had been different,” is a normal human experience that all of us have from time to time. What ifs are ok to pass by. Just don’t take up residence there. Don’t be like me and let your grief over the past mar your view of your present circumstances.
Every day, we make an unlimited number of choices that could change our future. When we inevitably look back on those choices, it’s easy to wish we’d done something differently. Hindsight is 20/20, right? But what if we didn’t look back on our past with regret? What if we considered our former selves, realized what we could have done better, and used this knowledge to improve our present selves, instead of wallowing in shame?
Life isn’t easy as it is. Why do we weigh ourselves down by trying to carry our past with us? Why not give our old laments and mistakes to God and move forward, unfettered? I’ve been working through this idea lately, trying to put it into practice. I think it’s something I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life, and that’s ok. I’m choosing to look at it as just another opportunity for God to mold me into the person He would have me be.
